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Abstract
Click Here, You Idiot
You know you've landed in sales doo-dah when the title is designed to
shock / get attention.
If you aren't 100% sure... the page design should give it away. There's
no left margin or right column. Stay on track and don't get distracted.
There aren't links to take you away or navigation bars to confuse you.
The goal is to push you to the bottom of the page where there's a
Paypal button. More about that later.
STAY FOCUSED
Leaving? Here's something to wear The page is narrow to fit any screen
size resolution and if you have to scroll the only direction is...
down, down, down. Towards the Paypal button. A fool and his money are
soon parted, but you're no fool; so you can't be rushed to the end.
Some visitors, hardened by years of dealing with double glazing
salesmen and those door to door Save-Your-Soul merchants, can smell a
sales pitch diluted down to one part in sixteen million. These visitors
won't waste time so, especially for them, there's a condensed version:
Want just the highlights?
Click here for the short version of this page
Maybe you clicked the link above, then came back. Thankfully! It means
you're a strong prospect. Strong is good. Prospect is good too.
Together, they're explosive! And that qualifies you for bullet points.
* Because short lines are easier to read and
* Most visitors are lazy readers who like
* The page broken up for
* Effortless reading and
* Better inhalation of sales fumes!
* But bullets are not to be overdone
* Seven is considered the absolute maximum to maintain interest
What part of "pay" are you having problems with, pal?
'OW MUCH IS IT THEN?
Hang on, hang on. Patience is the mother of ...er, someone. Miss
Guided? If you're told the price now you may run away. You need to be
pre-conditioned. Conditioner protects you from shocks (don't try this
at home).
But really, what's the hurry? If it's a FANTASTIC DEAL you'll find the
price on the page. If it's FANTASTIC VALUE brace yourself, and you'll
find the price when you Add To Shopping Cart... after you've learned
that you NEED this product.
If you want out - and want out badly - go straight to Paypal
Little known fact: Ferengi invented the Long Sales Letter Remember:
It's a crime to convince others they need something completely useless
only if it's something they really, really don't need. It's the Ferengi
rule of Long Sales Letters. Comparatively speaking, Ferengi are an
honest people though; so let's not drag them into this.
The time's come for you to be Convinced. And for that American is so,
so much cooler than English. Partly because it uses centered text. And
partly because it isn't embarrassed to add
Take 3 Easy Steps And Own Your Own Awesome Money Machine. It's 100% Able To
Give You Massive Residual Income... Read This Letter And I'll Tell You Why I
Am Parting With This Money Machine So YOU Can Get Rich Within 24 Hours,
Guaranteed!
And all this moolah is just on the first day!
See, you didn't miss that, did ya?
Key points recap:
- IT'S EASY
- IT'S FROM SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE MONEY
- IT HAS WORDS LIKE "MASSIVE", "AWESOME" and "MIND-BLOWING"
WHAT'S THAT? TALK IN LOWER CASE? WHY?
OK, just don't blame him if you don't get the message. He's only trying
to point out that the product has
1. a feel good factor ("100%" always feels good)
2. immediacy (who can wait more than one day to get rich?)
3. guaranteed residual income (Americans have MLM in their DNA;
"residual income" may be explained for other nationalities)
4. a requirement that there's no work on your part (or very little)
The only effort required of you is Clicking That Paypal Button. Even an
idiot can do that, right?
The Trust-Me-Because-I'm-A-Logo logo. Like Verisign.
In case you don't understand "100% guaranteed", I've included an image
to illustrate. It looks like a seal of some sort so builds credibility.
Establishing credibility is important before picking someone's pocket.
Paypal button is at bottom of this page.
But you insist you're not convinced?
* Time to get the kitsch out. Lurid yellow highlight works. You can
taste last night's dinner again? Never mind. Concentrate on the
Great Opportunity and on the bold text
* You'll soon see images of cheques showing $9,231.46 earned in 8
days and they'll be like works of (Photoshop) art! Yes, $9,231.46
in 8 days
* Impressive? You want in on the secret? No problem. You, too, can
make $9321.46 in 8 days.
* In fact YOU sounds better that "you". So, YOU too, can make
$9321.46 in 8 days.
A sign even more trustworthy than the previous one The amount is
specific because specific is believable. Truth is even more believable
e.g. the quickest way to get to $9231.46 is to start with $20,000 and
lose $10,768.54 in advertising. You KNOW that that's true. On the other
hand do you know better than to disclose truth in Sales Letters? Award
yourself a star! You're getting smarter already. When you complete the
Paypal transaction at the end of the page you'll be a whole 7.3% more
intelligent.
The product is INCREDIBLY EASY. If the author, who has all these
natural - and feigned - spelling and grammatical mistakes, can make
$9231.46, so can YOU. Why settle for other opportunities to make just a
little money? It's so easy my grandmother could do it. Even without her
internet connection and email password! Because the idea sells itself
he's paid a professional Long Sales Letter Copywriter a large sum of
money to put together his killer sales pitch for him.
Yes, the more a product sells itself the more you have to spend on
marketing it.
Ads are like creepy insects. So are politicians. That's why this page
is free of both. Notice how I have no ads on this page? I hate ads. I
hate how the contemptuous little b*stards steal space on the page, how
they trick you into clicking, how they flash and animate and beg like
prostitutes for the slightest attention? Do you like creepy,
disease-ridden insects? No, you don't, and that's good, because now I'm
empathising with YOU and getting YOU on side ... and the closer YOU get
the easier it is to sandbag YOU.
Oops, did I say that aloud? You should be moving towards the closing
arguments; put your feet up and stop struggling with paragraphs. Keep
moving, keep moving. With your feet up. Keep moving and
* The letter will give YOU bonuses to act now. It's a limited time
deal - the author doesn't want to keep selling the e-book and
making money forever!
* Act now, because everybody wants a copy (of course!) - and he
hasn't printed enough e-books.
* Because there's so much of demand and not enough stock he's giving
away five free bonuses just to persuade YOU to act now.
* Hey, it's all about YOU, YOU, YOU. They'll even let YOU in on this
secret way of making $9231.46 in 8 days. But YOU have to act now.
In case you missed it, you do need to ACT NOW.
By now, if you aren't convinced there's at least some merit in the
product, YOU haven't been listening. Let's go through the numbers
again.
If you weren't impressed by $9231.46 per 8 days how about this?
$421,185.36 per year!
Yes, that's how much YOU will make. MASSIVE.
ALMOST HALF A MILLION DOLLARS EVERY SINGLE YEAR
for the rest of your life! It could even be
A MILLION, OR MORE!
Don't believe it? See the cheque below for $1,000,000? It's even got a
stamp on it saying "This is a genuine cheque, promise", so you know
it's kosher. Now look at the figures again:
A CHECK FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Yes, my friends, that's how much YOU can make.
Here's One Million dollars. Simply photocopy and fill in your name
You've passed the bullet point test - you read them. So you're ready
for, ahem...
THE TESTIMONIALS
Each testimonial has to be signed ...because Vincent Van Gogh didn't
print his name on his products, did he? No! He took the trouble to sign
them. And, if you see a painting signed "Vincent" it would be rude and
superfluous to ask for proof of ID. It is similarly reassuring to
readers - and an irrefutable proof of legitimacy - to have a signature
below each testimonial.
Surveys show that a large percentage of testimonials say what people
think God speaks through me and I'm telling ya this product kicks
butt. It's like teaching a child to read. Once you do that he or her
will pass a literacy test. That's why I recommend it personally by my
wife.
Russel Sprouts
Oh, you recognise that picture? I'll try again.
Reeha Bilitation
Thank you for asking me to say a few words. Because I was going to say
them anyway. Those few words. The ones you asked me to say. Where was
I? Oh, you know what I mean. ...
Koe Caine
And again
Chancellor of the Exchequer and Pick Pocket Extraordinaire (Template
information for author of sales letter: Replace the below text with
your own testimonial in each of these four yellow boxes. Then delete
this text.)
<<<
testimonial is the best place to put "Sales Messages" and "Emotional
Messages". The Testimonial Box is the spare room of the Long Sales
Letter. Anything too corny to fit elsewhere, that stinks too much of
hyperbole, or gives narcissism a bad name can find a home in here eg:
"I was not expecting an e-book on getting rich to make me sexually
attractive but, wow, was I wrong! I can't seem to fend off the string
of beauty queens. It doesn't matter to me that they love me only for my
library of e-books.">>>>
Robin Meblind
And again
Does my dress look small in these?
<<< something strong to say divert attention with a picture. At least 50%
will get distracted. Depending on how strong the image some may not
even notice the missing signature>>>>
Faye Kinnitt
Notice how everybody who writes a testimonial sends a passport photo
for the author's convenience? And at least one testimonial is from an
attractive woman? Beautiful women do that a lot - they have a
disproportionate tendency to write testimonials for authors of Get Rich
Quick books. They also have a strange compulsion to attach their photo
to every email. Don't pause to ponder the reasons. Move on, move on,
there's a product you have to get to. And a Paypal button.
Want just the highlights?
Click here for the short version of this page
Note: If you dig into the etymology of Testimonials you'll find that
the word is derived from the Latin for testifying, Testis. Because
testimonials sounds similar to testicles correct usage needs to be
pointed out:
Incorrect: These testimonials are the dog's bollocks
Correct: These testimonials are complete dog bollocks
THE GUARANTEE
Even the most intractable idiot will have spotted some warning signs
along the way. Perhaps the genuine photo of the book's jacket made for
some discomfort. Or the references sounded coherent. The reader, quite
reasonably, doubts the author's veracity.
And he's right to be sceptical. The author understands. He wants to
assure you that your satisfaction is 100% guaranteed. That's why he
offers an unconditional money back guarantee.
IF YOU ARE NOT 100% SATISFIED.....
there is NO HURRY. Evaluating a product doesn't happen overnight so you
get a whole 90 days to try it out. Take your time. You need to be 100%
satisfied. No, make that 110%. You can't possibly ask for more, can
you?
Still want a refund? Think about it hard. You can get a refund
tomorrow, or the day after/ next week / next month.... why hurry? Just
keep prevaricating. Prevaricating is good.
Ah!? you want a refund now? Why do today what you can safely put off
for tomorrow? Enjoy some more. Click here to return to enjoying - the
book WILL make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. And get you laid.
Click here if you really, really want to cancel.
This book is soo good that there's a BIGGER image here (click to open
in new window)-
A Long Sales Letter will often have an image of the book being sold (or
offered as a bonus). Yes, the author photographed it when it was still
hot off the printers. You didn't think it was Photoshopped, did you?
Testimonicals to you, mate, if you did.
In this case, you know the above is a real photo because you can see
the shadow from my camera flash! That's proof it's genuine.
Still not convinced?
Wow! Is there no limit to how smart you can get?
You spotted the flaw! If I really wanted genuine I'd have photographed
my book standing on a glass table and with a bit of a reflection. Yes,
the reflection is compulsory because it shows you, the reader, are
getting double the value! All good authors follow this photography
convention.
In fact, the real secret to getting rich is stealing this glass table.
Think about it:
no table => no photos => no promotional Long Sales Letters => no sales
=> no profits!
It's like you've castrated them all in one fell swoop... and the e-book
writers will band together to pay a king's ransom to get the table
back. But, I digress....It's time for bonuses.
Bonuses
You thought that your good luck was limited? Well, it's not. If you ACT
NOW you'll also get bonuses. The product is so good that you may even
get bribed to take it away!
hurry, or you may not get away!
* The bonuses are worth $349.45. No, not $350. $349.45. Act now.
* Also, it's incredibly simple to make $9231.46 in the next 8 days.
Any idiot can do it. The author did.
We've run out of bold text, capitals, colours and highlights so
apologise that we have to now resort to horizontal lines to emphasise
the important bits.
__________________________________________________________________
This offer expires at midnight
tonight, !
__________________________________________________________________
The urgency above is real. If you don't feel the urgency you won't ACT
NOW and may do silly things like reconsidering. However, if you
desperately want to reconsider, but don't want to lose this offer,
here's a little secret: Simply change the date on your computer clock
(Settings>Control>Panel>Date & Time) and reload this page - the date
here changes!
Voilá!
Nifty?
He's an honest chap and genuinely means this offer ends at midnight
TONIGHT but he's also an understanding chap and will be happy to extend
it to any other night you choose. Yes, it ends tonight. Or some other
night. Or both. Or a night in-between those two. Or maybe whenever you
want. Or all of them. Just whenever you want to pay, really. Just pay
the bloody money, OK?!
<
enquiries will provide a local Trading Standards' number.>>
THE PRICE
If you suspected I'm trying to sell you something you'll be looking for
an order button around now. Ha, ha! I'm NOT trying to sell YOU
anything!
Don't pay me $420, don't pay me $250, don't even pay me $150. For today
only - bear in mind that this offer will be gone tomorrow - for today
only, make a Paypal donation of [DEL: $50 :DEL] $5 and I promise I
won't write an e-book on writing sales copy. EVER!
Yes, I was going to charge $50, changed my mind and couldn't find the
back button to edit the price, so I used a strikethrough instead.
I ordered you to click once before and you landed on this page. Are you
sorry? [DEL: Yes :DEL] No! You wouldn't have come this far if you were.
See, I'm [DEL: not :DEL] a straight-up sorta guy? I'm asking you to
click again. Click the Paypal button! You'll be glad you did.
CLICK HERE-
PS: The best sounding hyperbole should go here. In the PS. Is it
because everybody reads the PS thinking it's the absolutely latest
news? Or is it because the author's IQ is less than the temperature on
a cold day in Anchorage and he put the best copy in the wrong place?
The answer is, yes, it's true. It's been scientifically proven.
PPS: The good news is that a good PS drags the letter out long enough
for another Paypal button... without looking tacky. It also rounds off
the karma. And that's good for planet Earth. And the author's planet.
PPPS: The last person who read this letter and didn't click the Paypal
button accidentally set fire to his house, reversed over the cat on his
way to get help, crashed into a police car ... and discovered his
ex-wife in it having fun with a copper - she wasn't gay after all.
DON'T FALL INTO THE SAME TRAP!
Top Benefits
* If you cough up now I'll say Thank You!
* If the payment is for $5 or more you'll get a special email address
to send comments/feedback, and I may publish them here
* By contributing you'll be putting two fingers up at smooth talking
Sales Letters everywhere
* You'll also be helping raise awareness of the tactics & cons they
use, and...supporting the exposing of those via this site
* Because I'm not selling anything I can't up-sell - so, there's no
sting in the tail when you get to the checkout
__________________________________________________________________
Yes, $5.00, I know you cannot believe your eyes!
__________________________________________________________________
For less money than a packet of cigarettes I offer to NOT clutter the
internet with my e-book, "Writing good. Long Sales Copy. Explained in 7
Simple Steps".
Click the Paypal link. Act now! It's only $5.00. You deserve it. I
deserve it.
CLICK HERE-
This page is free to read, free of affiliate links, free of plugs for
e-books, free of "Free" newsletter signups and free to link to. Because
I don't trust you to click the Paypal button I've done a little
monetising of this page. The #1 goal, though, is for you to
Click the Paypal button, dammit!
It works!
End of Abstract
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